Grand Rapids....come for the churches, stay for the Nascar and Deer Hunting.
Thursday, January 27, 2005
Fa Fa Fa Fa - Fa Fa Fa Fa - Fa Fa Fa Fa Fashion
Don't ya just love those sexy models strutting their stuff down the runway. Those pouty faces, perky AAA cups, bodies that would O.D. on a triscuit? Lets not forget the dresses. I think this one is called "Rainbow Testicular Elephantitis"
Last June, we had a turkey move into the neighborhood. Not that strange if you live in the country, but in the middle of downtown Grand Rapids Michigan…the second largest city in the state…well…it’s a little strange. He’s a pretty cool guy as far as turkeys go. At least until about a month ago. One month ago was when he decided that our garage was a really cool spot to hang out. I like the turkey, don’t get me wrong…. I just never thought it was something I would have to deal with on a daily basis.
For a while, it was quite the novelty. It was written up in the Grand Rapids Press as well as a couple of neighborhood publications. There was a little contest to name it…a debate as to it’s sex…there was even a pool going on as to whether or not it would make it past Thanksgiving.
He (I happen to know it’s a "he") made it past Thanksgiving, and is now in love with our garage. It’s not that big a deal…Turkey shits are much smaller than what you would expect from such a large bird. But…when a turkey won’t let you pull your car into the garage, well…there’s a problem. Not to mention the pets.
There’s me and my girlfriend, PLUS a border collie and a cat in the house. The border collie isn’t an issue. She goes into the back yard and is separated from the turkey by a fence. Turkeys are supposed to be INCREDIBLY stupid birds, but darned if this thing hasn’t figured out that the dog can’t make it to the other side…the dangerous side…so it just sits there pecking away at the ground while the dog goes postal. That’s O.K. She’s an old dog and deserves a little excitement not to mention the fact that she gets to act all important because she has once again protected us from invasion by this fine feathered BEAST.
It’s my cat, Merlin, that worries me. Merlin is one hell of a lazy-ass fat cat who hasn’t quite realized that he is just not the man he used to be. Between you and me…I know that he can’t take this turkey. He has never ventured closer than 10 feet to this bird.
I think he knows, in the back of his mind, that he can’t take this bird. But he still plays it cool when he’s outside. He goes into stalking mode…then…if anyone is looking…he’ll roll onto his back as though everything is cool and he’s just taking in the sights. Stop paying attention and he’s back into stalking mode….big bird mmmmm…big bird mmmmm.
I’m pretty sure there is a dialogue that is going on in his head, and I’m pretty sure the dialogue is straight out of a crocodile hunter episode:
"Hey mates…we’re here in Beautiful Grand Rapids Michigan in search of the great Wild Turkey. We found a few at a local pub but that’s another story. Now we’re in the heart of downtown and Look!!! Krikeee….he’s a big bloke. I’ve got to keep my distance here ‘cause we don’t want to agitate ‘em. Just look at the feathers on that fella…they’re BEAUTIFUL!. I can’t be sure, but I’m fairly certain that’s one tasty bird. There’s only one problem though... he’s 4 times my size. I’m gonna have to sneak up on ‘em really really quiet like and…oh crap…me owners shaking the ole tender vittles package at me. Well…until next time mates…"
Did you know that hyenas possess the strongest jaw muscles among terrestrial mammals?
Neither did I, but I started to wonder about it because I just recently quit smoking. Well, not because I recently quit smoking, but because I recently started chewing nicorette. Right now, I chew about 12 pieces a day and I'm starting to notice a few things.
1. I smack my gum when I chew. A friend called me up and 10 seconds into the conversation said "Christ, you're really working that gum...did you quit smoking or something?"
2. Nicorette SAYS that it is orange flavored, but it's really only a "hint" of orange essence that lasts for all of 3 seconds before you've just got a spent wad of gum in your mouth that you know you're gonna chew like crazy for the next hour.
3. Nicorette sucks as far as blowing bubbles
4. I really like the buzz from this stuff.
5. At the end of the day, my jaws ache, which tells me I'm getting a really good mandibular workout. I'm thinking that maybe I should start some jaw workout tapes and sell them on an infomercial. JAW-BO, or JAW Pilates.
Anyway...since the end result is me not smoking, I guess it's all good.
When I was in highschool, I was a diver on the swim team and the diving coach was this guy we called HALF-JAW Fairman. Mr. Fairman was a Christian Scientist who got a cancerous growth on his jaw and because of his religion refused to have it operated on until it became the size of a grapefruit. He ended up having half of his jaw removed along with the tumor, hence the name (which he approved of by the way). Due to the fact that half his jaw was missing, anytime he got really excited about us nailing a particular dive we were working on he would develop this frothy dollop of spittle in the corner of his mouth and would reach for the nearest towel to wipe it off. All of us divers kept 2 sets of towels. I don't want to be called Half-Jaw Jonathan.
So there you have it...day by day my jaws are developing hyena-like strength, and my lungs are getting cleaner to boot.
Oh...I did a search on strong jaws. Lo and behold...it's a fetish! To learn more about women with strong jaws, click here Relax...it's not a porn site. Sheesh.
On this day, 42 years ago, my big sister was born. Hey everybody...give her a call and wish her a Very Happy Birthday. Her number is 867-5309. Hehehehehe.
Name: Jonathan Home: Grand Rapids, Michigan, United States About Me: Just a guy who trying to eek out a living as a graphic designer in SW Michigan. See my complete profile
Name: Jonathan
