Grand Rapids....come for the churches, stay for the Nascar and Deer Hunting.
Tuesday, January 25, 2005
911….There’s a Turkey in my Driveway
Last June, we had a turkey move into the neighborhood. Not that strange if you live in the country, but in the middle of downtown Grand Rapids Michigan…the second largest city in the state…well…it’s a little strange. He’s a pretty cool guy as far as turkeys go. At least until about a month ago. One month ago was when he decided that our garage was a really cool spot to hang out. I like the turkey, don’t get me wrong…. I just never thought it was something I would have to deal with on a daily basis.
For a while, it was quite the novelty. It was written up in the Grand Rapids Press as well as a couple of neighborhood publications. There was a little contest to name it…a debate as to it’s sex…there was even a pool going on as to whether or not it would make it past Thanksgiving.
He (I happen to know it’s a "he") made it past Thanksgiving, and is now in love with our garage. It’s not that big a deal…Turkey shits are much smaller than what you would expect from such a large bird. But…when a turkey won’t let you pull your car into the garage, well…there’s a problem. Not to mention the pets.
There’s me and my girlfriend, PLUS a border collie and a cat in the house. The border collie isn’t an issue. She goes into the back yard and is separated from the turkey by a fence. Turkeys are supposed to be INCREDIBLY stupid birds, but darned if this thing hasn’t figured out that the dog can’t make it to the other side…the dangerous side…so it just sits there pecking away at the ground while the dog goes postal. That’s O.K. She’s an old dog and deserves a little excitement not to mention the fact that she gets to act all important because she has once again protected us from invasion by this fine feathered BEAST.
It’s my cat, Merlin, that worries me. Merlin is one hell of a lazy-ass fat cat who hasn’t quite realized that he is just not the man he used to be. Between you and me…I know that he can’t take this turkey. He has never ventured closer than 10 feet to this bird.
I think he knows, in the back of his mind, that he can’t take this bird. But he still plays it cool when he’s outside. He goes into stalking mode…then…if anyone is looking…he’ll roll onto his back as though everything is cool and he’s just taking in the sights. Stop paying attention and he’s back into stalking mode….big bird mmmmm…big bird mmmmm.
I’m pretty sure there is a dialogue that is going on in his head, and I’m pretty sure the dialogue is straight out of a crocodile hunter episode:
"Hey mates…we’re here in Beautiful Grand Rapids Michigan in search of the great Wild Turkey. We found a few at a local pub but that’s another story. Now we’re in the heart of downtown and Look!!! Krikeee….he’s a big bloke. I’ve got to keep my distance here ‘cause we don’t want to agitate ‘em. Just look at the feathers on that fella…they’re BEAUTIFUL!. I can’t be sure, but I’m fairly certain that’s one tasty bird. There’s only one problem though... he’s 4 times my size. I’m gonna have to sneak up on ‘em really really quiet like and…oh crap…me owners shaking the ole tender vittles package at me. Well…until next time mates…"
Name: Jonathan Home: Grand Rapids, Michigan, United States About Me: Just a guy who trying to eek out a living as a graphic designer in SW Michigan. See my complete profile
Name: Jonathan
