Grand Rapids....come for the churches, stay for the Nascar and Deer Hunting.
Monday, February 07, 2005
Human Whoopie Cushion
Well friends, spring break is almost, kinda, just about there, I can hardly wait, getting really close to being "just around the corner". We all know what that means...IT's TIME FOR THE TANNING BOOTH!!!
I'm sure that some of you are already saying: "Tanning booth? What a vain wimp!! Take your sun like a man!" Oh sure....it's easy for you to say. You're not of Irish and Welsh descent living in a cold ass northern state in a city that gets as much sunshine as Michael Jackson gets over-18 sex. I have to face the facts. I am challenged in the melanin department.
Then there are those of you who'll say "That is so bad for you! Why can't you just wear SPF 735 for your whole vacation. Save your skin!" To you I say "can't you read? I'm a vain wimp!" I like the feeling of being tan...makes a guy feel healthy in a malignant kinda way. Plus, when I'm tan my teeth look whiter...something I'm very conscious of since I quit smoking (see "Jaws of Life post).
So off I go to the tanning booth, which brings me to the title of this post. After about 3 minutes under the warming burning rays of those bulbs, I've noticed that once the ole back gets to sweating, it's quite easy to trap a pocket of air in the "small of the back" area. Once this happens, it's almost impossible to move without generating a certain sound that is identical to that of a whoopee cushion. As the sweat increases, the sounds get...shall we say...more fluid.
I've thought about lying perfectly still for the duration of the tanning session, but those bulbs get kinda hot, and if I don't move my ass at least an inch or two I get these burn stripes down my white irish bum.
So what do you do? Make the noise as discreetly as possible? To me, this implies that there is something to hide...that I may have actually passed gas in the tanning booth. No...discretion is not the path to take for this dilemma.
Do you go for the laugh and loudly exclaim "DAMN DAMN DAMN! Why do I keep drinking those milkshakes when I KNOW I'm lactose intolerant?" I think this could work, but everyone else at the "SUN SPA" would have to have a sense of humor, or they might file a complaint.
Then, in the midst of Stevie Nicks and Tom Petty's "Stop Draggin my Heart around" (the owner of the spa always has Stevie Nicks playing...I've asked for a discount because of this but she ignored me) the answer came to me. Make the noises to the sounds of the music.
Stop draggin my
Stop draggin my
Stop draggin my hear arooounpffffffffft.
A little sideways roll for the smaller snare drum effect, a pelvic thrust for the boomin base sound, and a gentle rolling from side to side for the soft melodic lulling effect.
Just like the white winged dove...
sings a song ...
Sounds like she's singing...
pffft...pffft....pffft.
I made it through 3 songs and I have to say it's the first time I've ever really paid attention to Stevie Nicks!
I really wish they would play some appropriate music for my newfound talent though...
Blowin in the Wind by Bob Dylan
Summer Breeze by Seals and Croft
Baby got Back by Sir Mixalot
Tiny Bubbles by Don Ho
gee...I wonder when I should schedule my next tanning appointment.
Name: Jonathan Home: Grand Rapids, Michigan, United States About Me: Just a guy who trying to eek out a living as a graphic designer in SW Michigan. See my complete profile
Name: Jonathan
This is a riot.
I can so relate.
I do the fake bake too, it usually helps to improve my mood in the bleak mid winter.
And the lady who owns the tanning bed/movie/Christian book store, heh heh, well, she is a real doll, and she hugs me before I leave.
Which at first made me sort of uncomfortable, you know? I mean tanning beds are notorious for making a person NOT smell very good.
You know? That combination of burning flesh and sweat, uh yeah.