Grand Rapids....come for the churches, stay for the Nascar and Deer Hunting.
Monday, November 21, 2005
Mall Etiquette.
After experiencing a brief sojourn to the land of the shopping mall this weekend, I thought I might share some general "mall etiquette" for any of those people who could use it.
You will notice that mall traffic is kind of like a racetrack. Traffic moves in a sort of "band" much like race-cars do. The people are the cars. Fast people kind of pass on the "outside" while the slow people kind of meander...window shopping if you will. Stores are continuously on your right hand side. You can see the other stores on your left, and can proceed on your merry way knowing that as you complete a "circuit" you will INEVITABLY encounter the other store. There is no need to "shoelace" back and forth, dodging in and out of the well behaved traffic.
At any given moment you will see approximately 90% of the mall's occupants moving with this flow. The other 10% are either sitting in "resting chairs" that are provided at the mall's expense, or they are pissing people off. I think it's about 3% sitting in chairs and 7% pissing people off.
?
To those who are sitting: More power to you! You have recognized the fact that you are tired or bored or maybe the ole 'roids are acting up. Whatever. The point is that you have located the plethora of chairs provided by the mall and have parked your ass in one of them. You know you should sit and you do...in a reasonable place.
To those remaining who are not sitting: Fuck You! You have decided to go against the flow. O.k...so you're an individual and you march to the beat of a yada yada yada. Its great. Its "individual." But...for some reason when you're at the mall YOU have to get an attiitude. There is no need to get a pissed off, frustrated look on your face when you encounter resistance to your destination because you are, in essence, swimming upstream (against all the people who may very well have their own sense of "individuality" but have decided to march like lemmings for that short period of time so they don't upset the whole mall contiuum. Continuum, by Webster's definition, is: a coherent whole characterized as a collection, sequence, or progression of values or elements varying by minute degrees.)
And speaking of minute degrees...there is also no need to further express your dissatisfaction by sighing heavily while you have to wait for the PROPERLY moving traffic so that you can get into the store in front of you. The very same store that, by the way, would have eventually been in front of you if you had just gone with the flow.
The "no need to sigh and look pissed" thing goes double if you are pushing a baby stroller with twins and are tying your shoe prior to entering the store (directly in the middle of the stream of traffic). The "no need to sigh and look pissed" thing goes triple if you have triplets in strollers and a winnebago sized husband sporting a mullet AND you're trying to get into Fredericks of Hollywood but your OTHER 8 kids besides the triplets aren't exactly cooperating. Congrats...THE ENTIRE stream of well behaved shoppers has now been re-routed around you. Bravo. I'm not even going to get into the pretzels with mustard thing. And it all goes quadruple if you're all adults with no clue standing around with your heads up your ass. Cellphones? I will not go there at this juncture.
This one is for everyone, but especially the young men. The food court is for 2 things and 2 things only. The first is eating shitty food, and the second is to try and get into girls' pants. The "get into girls pants" things only applies to kids under 16. Lets face if... you're over 16, you should have a car and do your "pants getting into thing" in a back seat somewhere. However, if you're under 16, and have the extra cash to buy a hot pretzel for your sweetie, then by all means make your move. BUT ONLY IN THE FOOD COURT. This way, I don't have to look at you playing grab ass with some girl who hasn't even lost her baby fat yet. I know she hasn't lost her baby fat yet because it is spilling out over the size 0 jeans and lycra top that she is wearing as she heads back to the center of the mall to meet her mom who is wearing the same thing. It goes nice with the braces though....sort of a maturity hat trick.
And with all that said, I direct this comment to the 3 people who, at least 3 different times, I crossed paths with at Rivertown Crossings in Grand Rapids Michigan on Saturday at approximately 11:00 a.m.
If you are so lazy that you have to rest at the mall during peak hours, don't go there. If you have to go there, don't sit three across on the stairs that people use to get from the second level of the mall to the first level. Don't talk on your cell phones and eat pretzels while you're sitting there. Use the chairs that are provided to rest your lazy asses. Better yet, since you were all stuffing your faces with hot pretzels, sit your asses down in the food court. That way, I don't have to watch you eat, I don't have to dodge around you, thereby incurring the wrath of the people who are going UP the stairs, and who knows...if you hang in the foodcourt long enough you may just get lucky.
Woooo! Dittos! On all of it! Especially loved the "maturity hat trick." Way with words have you!
Someone really ought to design a shopping mall along the same concept of an airport luggage carrousel. All the shoppers crowd around while merchandise goes by. He who shoves the hardest and pulls the fewest punches gets to purchase the Cabbage Patch Doll of the Moment. I think it would add a sporting dimension shoppers seem to long for. For the holidays things could be made more festive by covering the floors with chocolate pudding and pumpkin pie. What do you think? Am I onto something here? Who should I call?
My high school's classroom hallways were divided by grade. The sub-16-age hallways were quite the clusterfuck... But the sophomore hallway and above were notably traffic-efficient.
I would guess that the small percentage of idiot mall-walkers are the same people who are bad drivers.
Think about it.
It's good to see you posting again, btw. I was a little tired of stopping by and seeing your desktop traffic cone. :)
Name: Jonathan Home: Grand Rapids, Michigan, United States About Me: Just a guy who trying to eek out a living as a graphic designer in SW Michigan. See my complete profile
Name: Jonathan
Woooo! Dittos! On all of it! Especially loved the "maturity hat trick." Way with words have you!
Someone really ought to design a shopping mall along the same concept of an airport luggage carrousel. All the shoppers crowd around while merchandise goes by. He who shoves the hardest and pulls the fewest punches gets to purchase the Cabbage Patch Doll of the Moment. I think it would add a sporting dimension shoppers seem to long for. For the holidays things could be made more festive by covering the floors with chocolate pudding and pumpkin pie. What do you think? Am I onto something here? Who should I call?