Grand Rapids....come for the churches, stay for the Nascar and Deer Hunting.
Monday, October 03, 2005
Dinner with that certain special someone.
My fiancee and I went out to dinner the other night at this place in downtown Grand Rapids. It's a pretty popular place that serves TAPAS, which is spanish for tiny bite sized morsels that cost an arm and a leg. At least with chinese food, there is the illusion that you are full... for 20 or 30 minutes after you eat. With TAPAS, you get a bite, maybe two, but then the plate is gone and you have to order another one. All the dishes have incredibly long names that require rolling your r's (think rrrrruffles have rrrridges) when you order. They are all very pretty too. They're just small.
I won't say the name of the place but it ryhmes with Dan Fez.
One of the cool things about this restaurant, which made it easy to overlook the fact that I wouldn't be leaving stuffed, is the ambience. It's got this groovy mediterranean decor, and there's a hustle and bustle about it that is kinda contagious. You feel like you're in the center of a big open-air market...the smell of spices and all the sounds and color.
Oh wait....
That's what everyone else was feeling. You see...I was at the table that was upstairs, across the floor, and tucked behind a weird little portion of wall so that you're basically invisible to the restaurant, and vice versa. Now...mind you, I didn't really want to sit there, but my fiancee was starving, and being one who is susceptible to low blood sugar attacks, I knew she needed some chow and fast. So we sat. Besides...I told myself...it's the person who's across the table from you thats important...not the stupid ass ambience. When you say ambience with stupid ass in front of it, you have to say ham-bee-ince and you have to say it slowly.
So there we were, having wonderful conversation at our little table tucked in the out of the way spot. Then, THEY came. Apparently, the really cool hanging tapestries that I thought were tastefully hiding a side station or some unfinished portion of the restaurant were actually hiding tables for a party, of about 60 people. An engagement party. Since I myself am engaged, I can understand the joy that these 2 families were experiencing. Even if there were a few too many young hipsters in ripped jeans and designer shirts with too much hair gel thinking that they looked cool when if fact, they looked like idiots with too much money who didn't know where to shop, but I digress. They were all happy and having fun and that was a good thing. Until the bulk of the party started to arrive.
In order to get to the room where this fantastic party was, you had to walk upstairs, across the floor and go around this weird little portion of wall. If you glanced to your left as you did this you would have seen me and my fiancee trying to eat our fucking dinner and chat above the ever increasing din of the groovin hipster engagement party.
And...the mom of the bride to be had decided that she needed to stand right at the curtain opening, 6 feet from our table, and greet everyone who was coming in. Meet the ones she didn't know...shine shine shine...bask in the glory of her daughters occasion ....chat chat chat....in other words...bring the movement of the line of people trying to get in the room to a stand still.
What do you do when you're standing in a line and someone 1 foot away from you is trying to eat their dinner. Do you stand there and stare at their food? Turn around? I think I would turn around. That is what the elderly couple who got stalled in front of our table did. Nice of them...shitty for me...now I'm looking at Aunt Bee's balloon butt and Uncle Ernies skinny ass in 90 year polyester that does not disguise the outline of depends underneath.
Check Please.
Seriously...I asked for the bill and we went to the bar to finish our cocktails.
Now here's the thing...there's some nights where that wouldn't even faze me, and then there's other times where it really burns me to go drop 80 bucks on a bunch of artistically arranged squid rings, only to eat them staring at Mr Oops I Crapped My Pants' ass one foot away. My better half was not nearly as irked as I was, but hey...it had been a long week...the timing was right for a micro-rant.
The waitress brought the bill and kindly informed me that she thought that they just wouldn't seat that table anymore. Hey...Great! Thanks for charging me the 80 bucks and informing me that, due to MY misfortune, you won't be screwing anyone else.
I told the waitress that perhaps even WE should not have been seated there. She offered me dessert.
"Let him eat cake" they said!
I'm sitting at the bar, with a Ketel One on the rocks in front of me, and they offered me cake.
Christ.
This world is going to hell in a handbasket. Really.
Cake.
Fuck.
At least the bill came with one of those little comment cards to fill out.
Oh, Jonathan. We all know the real reason you got all bent over having to stare at Mr. Oops I Crapped My Pants's polyester encased adult diaper: Callos a la Madrileña was not on the menu when you had been SO looking forward to it.
I know I get a little pissy myself if I can't have my daily tripes and cow snout. To prevent future problems due to Tapas deprivation, I give you the following recipe. Honestly, it is best prepared by an authentic obsessive compulsive Spaniard, but you can do it too, with a few precautionary measures.
Callos a la Madrileña (tripes and cow snout)
Ingredients:
- 1 Kg. of cattle tripes (try to get "high-end" tripes, if you know what I mean) - = kg. of cattle snout - Smoked ham - Red sausage - Black sausage - 2 - 24 fresh garlic cloves - 1 onion, or two, or even three - Laurel - Pepper - Salt - Paprika - Olive oil, the most expensive kind
Follow the directions for preparation closely. You don't want a stray cow booger or an overlooked fleck of cow-pie to end up on your plate.
Wash your hands.
Twice.
The tripes and the snout have to be VERY WELL WASHED and cut into TEENY-TINY pieces and put into a bowl with A LOT OF water, A LOT OF vinegar and AS MUCH SALT AS YOU CAN SAFELY TOLERATE.
Wash them again and again and again with this liquid until they appear to be clean. They are not clean yet, so repeat this procedure several times, washing your hands in between.
Now put the "clean" cow bits into a pot, cover with cold water and boil the shit out of 'em. Then boil the snot out of 'em. Then repeat the entire cold washing procedure, just to be really sure.
Wash your hands.
One more time.
Lather, rinse, repeat until you feel relatively calm and soothed. Have a cocktail or two if it helps. Check to see if you turned off the coffee pot and locked the front door.
Again, place the cow bits into the pot with some water, and then add the onion, the garlic cloves, laurel, and a dash of paprika. Let them cook for about four hours or so. Have another cocktail, check the coffee pot again, and make sure the front door is really locked. Promptly refrigerate overnight.
Try to get some sleep.
The next afternoon, wash your hands.
Do it again.
Open any bottle of peleón to be enjoyed throughout the following steps as a precautionary measure.
Is the coffee pot turned off? Check the lock on the front door.
Sautee in olive oil, some cut garlic and some chopped onions until it is soft and gold. Add the smoked ham cut into very small pieces, and add the red sausage in slices; sautee lightly.
Wash something, wash anything.
Add a teaspoon of sweet red pepper and remove the pan promptly from the heat.
Place the "callos" in a clay pot, taking away the onion, the garlic and the laurel with which they were cooked the day before. Add the mixture prepared before. Cover with 2 cups or so of water, and add the black sausage, and a little bit of chili pepper. Cook on low heat for about 45 minutes, doing periodic checks for stubborn boogers and pooh flecks that may rise to the surface, and watching he clock closely. Check the coffee pot one last time. Check the locks on the front door.
Wash your hands.
Open another bottle of peleón to be enjoyed with your tapas.
Serve Callos a la Madrileña directly from the pot in which it was cooked.
Induce vomiting.
Cleanse digestive system thoroughly with a high quality vodka.
This is an excellent Sunday snack, but it can be enjoyed during the week as well, if you have an understanding employer.
Name: Jonathan Home: Grand Rapids, Michigan, United States About Me: Just a guy who trying to eek out a living as a graphic designer in SW Michigan. See my complete profile
Name: Jonathan
Oh, Jonathan. We all know the real reason you got all bent over having to stare at Mr. Oops I Crapped My Pants's polyester encased adult diaper: Callos a la Madrileña was not on the menu when you had been SO looking forward to it.
I know I get a little pissy myself if I can't have my daily tripes and cow snout. To prevent future problems due to Tapas deprivation, I give you the following recipe. Honestly, it is best prepared by an authentic obsessive compulsive Spaniard, but you can do it too, with a few precautionary measures.
Callos a la Madrileña (tripes and cow snout)
Ingredients:
- 1 Kg. of cattle tripes (try to get "high-end" tripes, if you know what I mean)
- = kg. of cattle snout
- Smoked ham
- Red sausage
- Black sausage
- 2 - 24 fresh garlic cloves
- 1 onion, or two, or even three
- Laurel
- Pepper
- Salt
- Paprika
- Olive oil, the most expensive kind
Follow the directions for preparation closely. You don't want a stray cow booger or an overlooked fleck of cow-pie to end up on your plate.
Wash your hands.
Twice.
The tripes and the snout have to be VERY WELL WASHED and cut into TEENY-TINY pieces and put into a bowl with A LOT OF water, A LOT OF vinegar and AS MUCH SALT AS YOU CAN SAFELY TOLERATE.
Wash them again and again and again with this liquid until they appear to be clean. They are not clean yet, so repeat this procedure several times, washing your hands in between.
Now put the "clean" cow bits into a pot, cover with cold water and boil the shit out of 'em. Then boil the snot out of 'em. Then repeat the entire cold washing procedure, just to be really sure.
Wash your hands.
One more time.
Lather, rinse, repeat until you feel relatively calm and soothed. Have a cocktail or two if it helps. Check to see if you turned off the coffee pot and locked the front door.
Again, place the cow bits into the pot with some water, and then add the onion, the garlic cloves, laurel, and a dash of paprika. Let them cook for about four hours or so. Have another cocktail, check the coffee pot again, and make sure the front door is really locked. Promptly refrigerate overnight.
Try to get some sleep.
The next afternoon, wash your hands.
Do it again.
Open any bottle of peleón to be enjoyed throughout the following steps as a precautionary measure.
Is the coffee pot turned off? Check the lock on the front door.
Sautee in olive oil, some cut garlic and some chopped onions until it is soft and gold. Add the smoked ham cut into very small pieces, and add the red sausage in slices; sautee lightly.
Wash something, wash anything.
Add a teaspoon of sweet red pepper and remove the pan promptly from the heat.
Place the "callos" in a clay pot, taking away the onion, the garlic and the laurel with which they were cooked the day before. Add the mixture prepared before. Cover with 2 cups or so of water, and add the black sausage, and a little bit of chili pepper. Cook on low heat for about 45 minutes, doing periodic checks for stubborn boogers and pooh flecks that may rise to the surface, and watching he clock closely. Check the coffee pot one last time. Check the locks on the front door.
Wash your hands.
Open another bottle of peleón to be enjoyed with your tapas.
Serve Callos a la Madrileña directly from the pot in which it was cooked.
Induce vomiting.
Cleanse digestive system thoroughly with a high quality vodka.
This is an excellent Sunday snack, but it can be enjoyed during the week as well, if you have an understanding employer.